why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
