Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
