Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
