I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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