I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
