We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Pants are for mortals
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
