I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
