I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
