Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
