Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
