there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize