it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
