its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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