i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
