What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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