Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
