Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
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