The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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