Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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