I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
