using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
