I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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