Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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