Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
