ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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