you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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