So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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