u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
