Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
