Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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