dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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