man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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