so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
