why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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