ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
