I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
