He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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