I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
