Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
