His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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