I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize