i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
this will be a night to untag.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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