Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
