I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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