the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
