He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
