I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
