On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
