there's paper in my vomit.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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