someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
