had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
