i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
