end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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