I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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