Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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