kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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