I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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