I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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