She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
