I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
