this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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