We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
