I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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