Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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